


May I feel

by Lucy_1991



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anger, Dark, Dark Past, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Memories, Sexual Tension, Top Loki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-08 04:26:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12856725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy_1991/pseuds/Lucy_1991
Summary: Based (somehow) on the poet "May I feel" by E E Cummings.Set after Ragnarok, they have a story full of angst, tension, love and hate.There will be smut, I promise <3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> More tags will be added later !
> 
> Reviews accepted !!♡♡

_May I feel said he_

_I'll squeal said she_

_Just once said he_

_It's fun said she_

 

"Please, don't..." - said Brunnhilde, while Loki was caressing her shoulders. She was looking at the floor, her stare empty.

"How many times do I have to say sorry?" - He asked, his voice worried. Loki really regretted his recent actions, he wished he could go back in time. All that catching Thor and the Mighty Beast thing didn't worth this much. Didn't worth her being in such pain. He went to squat before her, but she didn't look up. - "Let me help you, please, Hilde, look at me..." - His eyes started to tear up.

"How?!" - She snapped her head up, looking him in the eye. He lost his balance because of her unexpected reaction and fell back. For a moment, he looked at her with fearful eyes, then tilted his gaze down. 

"I'm sorry..." - Said he.

"Yeah, I've heard that..." - She was standing now, her hands squeezed into fists. - "You know, I went to that dirty planet to drink, to forget... And then you and your stupid brother just appeared from nowhere and fucked everything up!"

"Yes, I know, I..." 

"Shut up!" - She shouted, but she should have not. At this sentence, old, bad memories popped into his mind. Odin shutting him up. Thor telling him to know his place. The Chitarus... making him quiet in the most terrible ways. Even worse ways then when he got his mouth sewn shut as a kid when he was trying to speak up for his brother. The pain, the fear, it all came back in a big blur. 

In an instant, he jumped to his feet and grabbed her by the hand. He placed his other hand on her throat and with big steps, Loki pushed her up against the nearest wall. He was pinning her between his body and the black wall of his room. They were panting, Brunnhilde because of the surprise of the attack and Loki from the rage rising inside of him. 

"Let go..." - She squirmed when she noticed that he was much stronger than usually. Every time they were fighting, she could defeat him, easily. But now, even though she was trying hard to pull his hand off her neck, she couldn't. 

"I said I'm sorry! You can be mad at me but I cannot take those memories away!" - He was shouting, leaving her in shock. Loki didn't act with her this way, ever. Even when they were in a more serious fight, there was something between them. Not anger, something different. But now... - "Did you not know the responsibilities being a Valkyrie come with? Hmm? What were you expecting?"

At this, she froze. She was staring right into those pearcing green eyes, filled with... Rage? No... It was something else. Maybe... 

Before she could think of anything else, he crushed his lips against hers. It was a wild kiss, needy, hungry. Brunnhilde didn't respond to it: she was trying to push him away. There has always been a tension between them, but this was too real right now. The man that brought her memories back was now kissing, overpowering her. This wasn't that weak, pathetic lier than before. This was a powerful man, a god.

Loki removed his lips, panting for air, watching her like a predator watches his prey.

"Loki, what the..." - She tried to speak but he put a hand over her mouth, covering it completely. His other hand moving from her throat to her stomach, drawing a line between her breasts, not quite touching them. She shivered at the touch, then felt the god's mouth on her neck, kissing, biting, bruising. It was wrong and should've felt that way but she felt desire running through her entire body. The feeling of his long, slender fingers digging into her hips, leaving marks, the burning flesh beneath his touch... it was just too much.

She let out a moan she was so desperately trying to hold back. It was all Loki needed, he pulled back from her, until he wasn't touching her at all. She was shaking, her legs nearly giving in under her weight, her lungs heaving for air. She was barely aware of anything else then the lust filling her and the mischivous man standing before her. He seemed to notice this and with a wicked smile on his face all he said was:

"This was only the beginning."

He turned around and left the room with Valkyrie standing in front of the wall, a storm of thoughts in her head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Painful memories in this, and the way I think Loki might have seen the things during the Avengers and Thor :)
> 
> And a bit of Thanos :[] I just hate that grape-guy :P

_May I touch said he_

_How much said she_

 

 _What the Hell just happened?_ She was standing next to the wall, right where he left her, confused.  _What the Hell just happened?_ This was the last thing she expected to come out of their fight. The moments after she shouted "shut up" happened so fast. The grab on her throat, the cold cement wall against her back, the rush of blood in her ears, his soft lips hot against hers.

 _What the hell just happened? -_ This question enchoed in her head. Then, she was thinking about killing him... Then, about returning his acions... And then killing him again. Sticking a blade in his flesh. People say gods are immortal.  _Shall we test that?_

With this thought, Brunnhilde pulled herself together and - at least as much as she could - took a step forward. She didn't fall but it was a close thing. She managed to regain her balance and started to slowly walk towards the liqueur cabinet across the room. After many uncertain steps, she finally reached it. She opened black glass door and...

 

_"You know where to come if you fancy  a drink."_

_~L_

 

That stupid fucker. He knew she would instantly rush to the cabinet. He seems to know her too well. Maybe Loki didn't only see the fight when he reached into her mind. He might have seen her whole life: her past, her habits, her thoughts. This made her shiver. He might have seen everything she's ever done. Her hands were shaking as she reached for the little yellow note. 

 When she touched it, it was gone. It disappeared into a light green dust.  _Illusions -_ she thought. Well, he is the God with the silver tongue. He knows how to talk his way out of and into things... With a sigh, she turned around but instead of going straight to the big green door, she walked to the table next to it and grabbed a little knife that was lying there. The blade was sharp, silver and the other parts wore the colors of green and black with golden lines on it.  _Surprising_... the knife was very well-balanced and light, but not too light. Her grab fitted on it perfectly, almost too perfectly. Like it was designed for her. 

Don't forget, it was his room, not hers. And she found a knife that fitted her hands so beautifully. Her hands, that were much smaller than his. Was this a trap? Did he want her to grab that knife, go to HER room - where he was obviously waiting - in hope of killing him? Maybe this was his purpose... Or...

He might only have wanted a fair fight? No magic, only their strenght? This was a possibility too. But why the Hell would he want that? He and she both know very well that in a fight like this, she is much stronger than him. She could win easily. But what's his purpose then? 

There was only one way to find out...

_A lot said he_

_Why not said she_

 

He walked out the door and closed it behind him. He stopped.  _What in the nine Realms just happened?_ He was the one to move forward but he himself didn't know what happened.

In the first few seconds he really wanted her to forgive him. But then something changed. That shouted "shut up" burned his mind and his heart too. All the memories came back at once, bringing back all the pain and anger. The memories of being so vulnerable, so weak. They played with him as a doll, his screaming when the pain was unbearable pushed them even further, trying new methods until he finally broke. 

Somethimes it was good being a god: the endless power, the strenght, living for over 5000 years and - in his case - magic. But just like everything, being a god had its own disadvantages:  the immortality was one of them. Well, almost immortal: he survived much worse things than humans did. Things that would have end a pathetic mortal's life in seconds; yet he only got a few scars.

But the Chitaruies were not humans. Not in mind, heart, strenght. They were much more... cruel. They used his healing ability to make the tortures even worse. And not only physical but mental torment too. Not only he was capable of magic but they were too. From day to day they put worse and worse pictures in his mind until they found his weak spot.

 

_-You seem to be ignorant to the scenarios of your father or brother. - Stated the blue-skinned man. - Let's try something a little more different this time. The person no one would think you love the most._

_Loki's thoughts were racing through the pictures of people he's ever known. His "friends", his real father, Laufey, all the servants of Asgard, and... Oh, no..._

_-Mother... - He whispered in the moment he realized what the The Other meant. He was kept in a cold, dark chamber, deep down in the ground. His left leg was chained to the wall and there was some kind of energetic force around him that made him incapable of using his magic. He had no chance to escape and he knew that. He came here to bargain with the devil and he payed for it._

_-Exactly. Feel free to scream, no one will hear you. - He emphasized the "no one" - I will come back in three days. I hope that you will change your pathetic views of things until that. - He went out and closed the metal door behind him with a loud smack. The nightmares began: scene after scene, where Frigga was dying, being tortured, humiliated. Her voice, her painful screams enchoed in his head._

_-Please stop! Please, stop! Please... I will bring it to you, I will get the Tesseract, just please... - He begged, but The Other didn't lie. No one heard his pleading. The images continued playing in his head, all the blood, the darkness, the smell of death in the air. He completely lost his sense of time: he didn't know when it began, when will it be over. It seemed like eternity. After a while, a lot of terrifying scenarios later, he thought that they couldn't find worse scenes. But the Chitaruies were much more creative than he expected them to be._

_The images didn't seem to have an end and he never saw the same one twice. There were always new ways to torture her and within this, make him suffer too. By the end of the first day, he completely lost his voice, he couldn't as much as to groan. Even breathing hurt as if a hundred needles were stuck in his throat. His lungs were tired, eyes closed, dried tears on his face. He wanted to cry but he couldn't. Loki was dehydrated, exhausted, broken. He gave it up a long time ago: he only wanted it to be over. He would have stolen it for them, he would have done anything at this point. Literally, anything._

_One more day passed, he was close to unconsciousness many times but the nightmares wouldn't let his mind "turn off" completely._

_The torture was the worst during the third day. Not only mental but physical harm too. And what's the most effective way to make a Frost Giand suffer?_

_Heat._

_When the next scenarios began, he felt a wave of heat hit his skin. They somehow - probably with magic - made him turn into his natural, blue, frosty form, which made the dry, hot air even more unbearable. He was sweating and crying in pain as his skin was burning. He was scratching, rolling on the floor, screaming - at least he tried to._

_After 24 hours of completely unbearable pain in his entire body and heart, the tortures stopped. His vision cleared, - slowly - all he could see now was the dark chamber, the walls wet as the hot steam became cold, chilly. A blue light seeked its way inside under the door. He was panting, his eyes open, fixed on the door just a few feet away from him. His head empty as thoughts failed him, his blood still boiling in his veins. All he could hear was his beating heart, rushing in his chest, his ears._

_He barely noticed the blue man stepping into the dark room. He was wearing his usual clothes, the golden coloured metal in front of his mouth: some kind of a mask. As he spoke, his words were cold:_

_-I suppose... - he growled - you have changed your mind._

_-Yes, I... I have. - He said breathlessly - Just please... Let me out..._

_And that is where it all began. He came to the Earth in hope of taking over it, or at least stealing the Tesseract. Not long after he arrived, he noticed something. One time when he passed in front of a mirror, he saw that his poison green eyes turned into a light shade of blue. The same color the others' eyes got when his magic seeked through their veins. When he turned them into brainless zombies, to do with them as he wished. They did whatever he wanted them to. The archer even tried to kill his boss, his friend. He controlled them with the power he got from his torturer. And strangely enough, this filled him with anger and fear too. He didn't feel pity for the midgardians. They were weak and their race deserved to be destroyed. To come to an end._

_These pathetic humans were weak, unable to protect themselves. It would be so easy to rule them, to make them kneel. So easy to control them. Of course, he's the God of Mischief with the silver tongue but he barely had to use any of his tricks to make them do as he wants, without them even realizing it._

_This war was kind of a win-win situation for Loki though. Even if he loses, he would be taken back to Asgard. It was not a peaceful time for any of the realms and he knew that someone would try to attack it. And then - even if Thor doesn't trust him the way he did before, he still had faith. He could see it in his eyes. - his brother, the King of Asgard would ask him for help. And then, everything will lead to his purpose. His only purpose: to rule Asgard. To be accepted as the true heir to the throne._

_And of course, after he lost in the battle against the so called "Avengers" - as he thought - he was taken back to his "home" to face "Asgardian Justice": to be locked into a cell for eternity. But after a few months, as he expected, someone attacked the realm: the Dark Elves. And just as he expected: his naive brother asked for help._

_-If you even think about betraying him..._

_-You'll kill me? Evidintely there will be a line. - Said Loki after the "threat" he'd heard so many times before. But there was one thing that no one knew: his plan was to "die". To get killed. He wanted them to find his lifeless body - to find an illusion._

_But not everything had gone as smooth as he wanted: his mother died. When the guard had came to his cell, he didn't try to put it in a nice way._

_-Your mother died. - Loki nodded and the guard left. Rage, pain, fear was raging inside of him - it was odd how often he had these feelings at the same time. But he knew one thing: that the guards of Asgard were always very straight-forward, polite and respectful. Even if they had to tell the prince that his mother or father or any family member died, they would- simply out of respect -  still call them "King" or "Queen". No... It was Odin. Odin knew how much his mother's death will hurt Loki. How much pain it would cause. The Allfather wanted him to know that the only person that he could trust, the only person who loved him, died. Odin didn't lie whan he said: "You will never see her again." But he wouldn't be so weak. Oh, no._

_He did cry, yes - he's not a heartless monster after all. He won't be over his mother's death any time soon, but the fact that his "father" wanted him to be weak gave Loki strength. He will not give up. He didn't give up when he found out about his true parentage, when he was betrayed, tossed into the darkness of the universe, lived through the worst of torments. Even when he broke for a while, not seeing a way out, he didn't give up. Not this day, nor the next one was the day of giving up._

_But one thing that he always had to keep in mind: Thanos is not one to give up either._

_He wanted the Tesseract and... oh, not only the Tesseract. All the stones. And once he got them, there's no stopping of him. He will have all the power he ever wanted. But there is one thing you have top know about the stones: if a man with a pure mind, and soul gets them, they will turn him more innocent. But if a man like Thanos gets them - a man with a hope to destroy most of the living and turn the others into his slaves - he will be even more evil and cruel. If that's even possible. But still..._

_Loki had the Tesseract. Looking back now, it was a stupid move. But there's no turning back now. He knew that the Space stone could't be destroyed: even if Asgard was destoyed, the Stone would be flying around in the universe and if not Thanos, but one of his allies - like Ebony Maw or someone - would've found it. So maybe Loki could hide it. He knew that with this move, he put everyone on the ship in danger and if Thanos found him, he would have no mercy on the asgardians. And that is something Thor would never forgive him for. He would loose him for his whole life... but he couldn't live without him._

 

He shook his head and got moving, but he stopped: there was one more thing he had to do. With a flick of his fingers he put a little yellow note - at least an illousion of it - in the liqueur cabinet. 

Without a second thought he went to  _her_ room. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg guys, I'm so sorry it took so long to post !! I promise, the next chapter will be up faster, I just had a lot of exams right now. 
> 
> There will SURELY be smut in the next chapters, seasoned with some painful memories .-. 
> 
> Thank you for all of you reading this, and please tell me your thoughts, it would help me a lot :D


End file.
